Christmas pass ghosts

I'm sitting here remembering the first Christmas you where not with us,  you where one year old and moths had pass since I sow you last on your birthday to all I know you where still in Puerto Rico because according to your grandma's her father was sick and she was still there and considering moving to the island to take care of him with me that didn't sit well to beginning with was the fact that custody was only given to her so I can get economic help since Josh was a cap baby your father was not helping supporting you the only help I feel I had was your grandmother and knowing I wanted to end that guardianship she say she was in P.R. I don't believe she was there all that time, neither where you was supposed to move out of state all this was happening while I was in what the therapist call the perfect storm I was in an abusive relationship with deep post partum depression isolated from friends and family and tacking advice from people that only wanted to take my child from me and in that year after Christmas she came and pick up your gifts with her and her regim put me down only allow me and the kids to see you for a little while then she say she was to return to Puerto Rico the very next day for good I lost it I lost it in away live was meaning less that moment someone has stolen my child from me,  my baby and I had allowed and didn't now what to do I feel I had failed you and your brothers but God is good and merciful and had give me strength since that day and faith he will see a mother's heart and listen to her prayers I love you baby boy no matter where you are I pray for you and my love goes thru all the distance hope you have a happy holidays love mom